Today, May 26, is the due date of our angel baby. I remember that dreadful day of November 2nd when we couldn't find the heartbeat and my heart broke into a million pieces. I remember all the tears. Today I sit, 7 months pregnant with my rainbow of hope still crying over the loss of my angel and missing him/her terribly.
I thought that because I am pregnant again and all is going well
that I will not feel this way. But here I sit, sad, wondering what would
have happened if angel was still in my belly thriving. I will always
love you sweet angel and I will forever be grateful and thankful to have
carried you for those few weeks.
A coworker of mine asked me why I was such a happy pregnant woman
and why I never complained. I had to think about it for a second, I do
complain (mostly just to my husband), I do have aches, pain,
discomfort, mood swings, and I am tired all the time. Ultimately I realized that pregnancy after a loss is a
different kind of ball game. Everyday I feel blessed for my growing
baby. Yes I have heartburn and I am aching, yes I am tired and
uncomfortable, and yes I have a crazy active toddler and life. But all
those things will not take away from the joy I feel for carrying this
rainbow baby, all they really represent to me is a reminder that I have a
growing and healthy baby in my belly.
I guess the answer to my coworker's question is that I don't
complain about my pregnancy because I have lost my innocent naivete
about pregnancy (and I am so jealous of woman who still have that). I am
not expecting a baby (because it implies a guaranteed happy ending) but I am
simply hoping for a baby to take home come August. I fear that if I complain It will take away
from all the joy I am feeling every step of the way and that's all I
ever want to remember about this pregnancy.
So bring on the aches and pain, they will not hold me down. It's not
all rainbows and unicorns but that's all I ever want to remember. I think what my angel baby taught me was how to love more fiercely
than I ever imagined and how to be grateful for life's little blessings.
Thank you sweet angel of mine. I will never forget you and will love
you forever and always.
I know that I am truly blessed to have one living healthy child and
another healthy little one on the way. So today I count my blessings:
Blessing number 1 - the boy who made me mom