Monday, December 19, 2011

I always want to remember

Our angel baby that went to heaven way too soon in November.

We found out in September that we were having another baby. We were thrilled and beyond excited. As soon as T-man turned one we decided to start trying for another baby. I knew that I wanted my children close in age and let's face it you never know how long it will take to get pregnant. We were beyond blessed to find out we were pregnant after only trying for a month. I was pleased to see that we were just as excited about this blessing as we were when we found out about T-man.

My hubby holding the pee-stick :)

Our first appointment went so well, we saw our little bean with a strong heartbeat at 6 weeks and 5 days. The excitement really started to build. This was for real, we were having another baby. We very much wanted this baby and having had one successful pregnancy under our belts, we felt invincible. We started telling family members, bought Tyler a shirt that said "I am going to be a big brother" for the big announcement, and started taking our weekly pictures.

I wasn't having any symptoms whatsoever (except that my boobs grew a whole cup size) but that was pretty much the same way it was with T-man. I was still really nervous for some reason so we decided to wait until our next appointment before shouting the news to everyone who wanted to hear. My hubby couldn't come with me to the second U/S so I asked my mom to go with me (I just wasn't feeling right going by myself).

November 2nd, the day of the appointment, finally arrived. When the picture came on the screen I was excited because it looked that the baby did grow since the last visit but the baby wasn't moving at all compared to T-man at this stage who was moving around like a lunatic. I thought maybe this is just a lazy baby and hoped to have confirmation of that. I looked in the technician's eyes to find a glimmer of hope, nothing. My heart just sank, I just knew. The technician looked and looked and looked but she couldn't find a heartbeat. I was devastated. Not only did my body fail to keep my baby alive, it failed to recognize that the baby was gone.

I was supposed to be 10 weeks and 5 days, due 26 May 2012. T-man and his sibling were going to be 22 months apart. I was crushed to find out the baby was gone, but I am thankful to have had the privilege to carry this angel.

Here is a pic of our sweet angel

We know God has a plan for us and we look forward to finding out what that plan is. As we pick up the pieces of our broken hearts, we are thankful for our healthy beautiful T-man here on earth with us and our sweet angel watching over us from heaven.

To remember our sweet angel forever and ever, I got this beautiful tattoo. It represents our angel's footsteps, an angel that definitely left a big imprint on our hearts. Though we only knew about her for 6 weeks, she filled our hearts with so much joy and happiness.

Every time I look at this tattoo, I will remember this sweet angel. I will never forget but I will heal in due time. A miscarriage is part of my story but I won't let it define me.


  1. You seem to be taking it very well. I had the same thing happen to me after I had my first. I posted about it on my blog. I think it was September of 2009. I was a wreck. Don't know how I managed to deal with it. I was 11 weeks when it happened but the baby only grew 8 weeks. I got pregnant with my 2nd son 2 months after that. I was on pins and needles during that whole pregnancy. I really didn't get to enjoy it cause I was so nervous. I remember back then thinking my life was over I didn't know how I was going to move on. But time & God heals all wounds. I feel much better about it now.

  2. Pegster you are such a strong woman, i am happy you are healing well. I do agree that God has a plan for each one of us. Keep staying strong.

    A big virtual hug.

  3. am so sorry for your loss.. but i believe that your baby is already an angel in heaven... you are nsuch great parents... am so proud of you.. just continue to pray... following you now...

    join my christmas giveaway!!!


  4. @Keya - Thank you so much for sharing your story. I actually went and browse your blog to find the story.

    @Toi - Thank you so much for the virtual hug.

    @Dina - Welcome to my blog and thanks for the prayer, we can always use some around here

  5. Pegster: I am so sorry to hear of your loss but I admire your strength during such a heart breaking time. You are incredible.

    I pray that you and hubby get pregnant again soon ... and that it is a happy, healthy 9 months :)