Saturday, May 26, 2012

Our angel's due date

Today, May 26, is the due date of our angel baby. I remember that dreadful day of November 2nd when we couldn't find the heartbeat and my heart broke into a million pieces. I remember all the tears. Today I sit, 7 months pregnant with my rainbow of hope still crying over the loss of my angel and missing him/her terribly.

I thought that because I am pregnant again and all is going well that I will not feel this way. But here I sit, sad, wondering what would have happened if angel was still in my belly thriving. I will always love you sweet angel and I will forever be grateful and thankful to have carried you for those few weeks.

A coworker of mine asked me why I was such a happy pregnant woman and why I never complained. I had to think about it for a second, I do complain (mostly just to my husband), I do have aches, pain,  discomfort, mood swings, and I am tired all the time. Ultimately I realized that pregnancy after a loss is a different kind of ball game. Everyday I feel blessed for my growing baby. Yes I have heartburn and I am aching, yes I am tired and uncomfortable, and yes I have a crazy active toddler and life. But all those things will not take away from the joy I feel for carrying this rainbow baby, all they really represent to me is a reminder that I have a growing and healthy baby in my belly.

I guess the answer to my coworker's question is that I don't complain about my pregnancy because I have lost my innocent naivete about pregnancy (and I am so jealous of woman who still have that). I am not expecting a baby (because it implies a guaranteed happy ending) but I am simply hoping for a baby to take home come August. I fear that if I complain It will take away from all the joy I am feeling every step of the way and that's all I ever want to remember about this pregnancy.

So bring on the aches and pain, they will not hold me down. It's not all rainbows and unicorns but that's all I ever want to remember. I think what my angel baby taught me was how to love more fiercely than I ever imagined and how to be grateful for life's little blessings. Thank you sweet angel of mine. I will never forget you and will love you forever and always.

I know that I am truly blessed to have one living healthy child and another healthy little one on the way. So today I count my blessings:

Blessing number 1 - the boy who made me mom
Blessing number 2 - the boy who restored my hope
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift"


  1. You are so strong! God bless your sweet angel baby in heaven, your precious toddler, and your rainbow baby growing stronger and stronger in your womb every day!

  2. Awww, that was so beautiful. I can't wait to see your little one.